Unfortunately it closed without a happy ending.

Life runs in chapters.. and the next part of it is here..

www.fingers-that-speak.blogspot.com

Help lines to help you find 'the ONE'

but i guess the main question i've always wanted to know is.

Why do you always choose the lowest point in my life.. to leave?

I'd always have to find myself dealing with it on my own... trying to find a crutch to pull myself up and then try to find ways and means to pull you up as well..

It feels like when I feel like i am falling, you'd push me onto the floor even harder.. and evey time, a piece of me gets broken inside. And when i feel like i am slowly healing when i finally almost pick myself up, you decide to push me down harder.

As much as there are things you disagree in my personality and my behavior, there are things I disagree in your personality and your behavior as well. Things I am unhappy about, but accepted and have adapted. But to me.. all you want is a perfect gf. The kind that you can change and customize to your liking. No compromise, no disguise. And after inflicting hurt on me, the reason is because of my imperfection?

Please, find me someone who can tell me that his/her partner is perfect.

When you said you are not sure if i am the 'right someone'.. then tell me.. how right is your right?

There are so many occasion, when your imperfection keeps running through my head. It was so easy for me to say.. you're not the right someone too.

You didnt have to lie to me.. you could just go and do what you want.. without telling me..

How often do i even check on you... Was I ever that possessive to call you ever few hours just to check on you? Have I ever gone through your calls list, your smses, your emails, or anything else that i'd probably am able to check on you. I probably wouldn't even bother to check on you if you hadn't told me you were not feeling well.. Because you know that every time you're ill, i'd definitely go down to look for you.. just to bring food and check if you are alright.

You shouldn't have told me that you were ill and that you were gonna sleep through... I'd probably wouldn't have know you lied.. I told you... I rather be kept in the dark, then to find out things i shouldn't. It is a huge blow to me to deal with..

You told me it is disgusting for you to lie.. And did you realized I just stood there speechless? Honestly, till now i do not know what to say. Because you really need not have to lie.

Yes, I am flawed.. I've never disagree with that. I disagree on your friends. But honestly asked yourself if i had been nice to them in the beginning. To drive them home, buy them bday dinners and everything just to please them. But after having them treat me like dirt just because I am your gf.. and for them to presumingly 'fault' me for making you gay... is it no reason for me being upset? Do you think I enjoy the feeling of being hated just for being your partner? I wished you'd understand and not rub salt into my wounds.

And now i have to pay the price for not only being ostracized, but to be punished for disagreeing with the same bunch of people who detest me for nothing?

We can't be happy every single day, or try to find issues to make ourselves happy. I do try to think of ways and means to make you happy. Perhaps you are unable to see it or its something which i don't often boast to you. Whether is it trying to find activities on weekends to do with you despite being burnt out the entire week from work, or rushing work out just to go home to spend time with you, or hearing you rant at me even after a bad day at work, trying to work hard to earn enough to start a new life somewhere with you, or simply just being committed to our relationship.

Committed to a relationship.. It's something new to me.. does it makes you smile knowing that I am working hard on it? Or does it not make you happy enough?

I know you think that I am just being stupid.. and that it was not necessary for me to even do stupid things like that. But if all these stupidity is worth anything for, it is anything for us..

If wanting our relationship to go nowhere and just make ourselves happy just living everyday that it is.. yes.. this is stupid.. But I want you to know that I am committed to this relationship and to you.. and I do want to take it to a whole new level.

I'm sorry if i am always understating your level of maturity. But it's not about trying ways and means to make ourselves happier. It's by looking around you, identify the things that makes you happy and be content.

I always thought that I was the one who could make you happy. What I didn't realized is that you were still seeking other ways to make you even happier because what i can provide for u cannot satisfy your needs for the ultimate happiness.

I can easily blame you for all the unhappiness in my life.. For being so hard at work to earn money for us such that I don't even have a proper social life.. for putting myself in that coffin with you so that I will not go back to my philanderer ways.. But have i ever blamed you?

Yes, go.. and find out what is important in your life.. But i hope.. this would be the last time you're going to question yourself what is important. Because I really.. really really am very broken inside.. don't keep pushing me back down.. especially not when my life's at its lowest..

You know my stand, you have always been the most important person in my life.. and it still and always holds.

Thank you..

All i can say, is that I have given my best but of course.. which human don't flaw?

I'm sorry that my flaws are too much for you to handle..

And I'm sorry that I don't know how to make it any better.

I am a perfectionist when it comes to work.. but I'm sorry i can't achieve that state of perfection to offer you in our time together.

I'm sorry that I couldn't see and solve the problem that was such a thorn in your heart, as it was in my heart all along.

Im sorry that I was unable to take that thorn out from my heart..

I'm sorry for placing that thorn in your heart.

Most importantly, I'm sorry for holding you too closely and tightly to my heart..

now, i'm letting you free to smile again..

:)

I'm sorry.. but it always seem to me that u're only there through good.. and never bad..

then again. i'm already so used to it.

And at one point.. I gave up the idea of it totally..

because it hurts to always turned down.. and each time.. it gets worst.

I should have known better.

that I am not the "one" you see with in the future.

that I am not the "one" you want to spend the rest of ur life with.

that I am not the "one".. just.. the "one".

All i worry.. is that u won't be able to take care of urself there... that there'll be nobody to cook for u.. nobody to hug you when u're cold.. nobody to give you help on ur homework. I wanted to start planning.. i really don't have much time to gather my finances right.

I was naive.

Do you think I really want to give up my comfort zone here? Where my friends, my family, my career is?

A friend.. always ask.. why am i always so morbid.. why am i always talking about dying and when will it be my time to die..

then i ask.. what is there to live for?

she said.. "the girl.. and your future with her.."

future?

An issue.. I promise.. that I will never ever mention again.

I'll just wait till my time is up..

:)

Recollections of the entire year.. 

One of the worst years I've had.. probably the worst.. 

Resolutions not met.. Wishes are still left unanswered..

Career's a blank.. 

Lost a family member..

Love's a drifter..

Life's a mess..

I'd gladly wipe out the entire memory of 2009.. 

However am still thankful for the very few times.. when i caught myself in times of joy and happiness.. 

The times..

but it's getting tiring.. very tiring..

and you wonder when would everything quickly come to an end..

when you're sick of being so emotional at every single thing..

when people around you are sick of seeing you swing like a pendulum 

tick tock tick tock tick tock... 

you wish so much it would stop ticking..

stop beating..

stop.

Grant me one wish for christmas.. just one..

Not any travel trips.. not any gold and diamond in the sky.. not the best gadgets in the world.. 

I just want my time to stop.

That's all. 

And that's alright.

Just stop making me feel worst. 

Sometimes.. when u're down.. u wished there's someone there for you..

When things just keep going wrong.. and more wrong..  you wished there's someone who'd lift your spirits up.. 

Wish.. yes wish.. 

Love is.. being with your loved one through good and bad

Then you realised that most of the time, your loved one leaves you in the worst times. 

 

That's when I no longer believe in love. 

Reminiscing what known as history.. 

time takes *u away..

Goes Up Down Left Right.. sometimes you get the things you want.. but more often than not, the things you don't want. When things are good.. everything seems so perfect.. When things goes bad, everything seems to fall together. 

Some seek solace in God when things go wrong.. 

Some.. seek death.. 

Some.. becomes delusional..

Some.. just don't bother..

Yesterday we celebrate for good news, tomorrow the same news is actually a trick in disguise. Without any reasoning.. without any who to blame.. 

Then the people who shared their toasts with you walks away.. too afraid to partake in your misery. 

"Everyone has their set of problems to deal with" they say. 

The world is cold.. very cold.. 

and it is probably the best thing she'd never have to see how cold this world actually is..

It's like.. suddenly.. the heart starts to crystallize and before you know it.. it starts to extrude some form of defense mechanism that will cause some form of mental block out or just cause you to go into a span of blankness in which you: 

1) Do not know whether to laugh or cry

2) Do not know what to say or do

3) Do not know what on earth is happening

4) Do not wish to know whether anything will happen next

In the next of a second.. you feel like you're in your cocoon of your comfort zone. In the world where only yourself exist.. 

Then the coldness comes in like a blistering blizzard. And when the freezing cold sets in, it cuts your heart like frost bite. All you wish at that instance.. is for the wind to take your final breath away..

1) ask me if i am happy

2) remind me of my b'day (it doesn't exist anymore)

Thanks..

it's late.. it's dangerous.. 

and i'm not sure if there's anyone to drive you home..

anyway..

good night.. 

In the game of love

there's a winner

there's a loser

game's over

I am defeated

I have withdrawn

the winner cheers with joy

the loser hides in tears

will you take care of my heart or would you break it like u did 

if i were to hand it back to u?

She has her daily dinner dates.. while i'm starving off mine..

I've listed a few reasons why I think I'm suffering and she's not??

1) Ive been a b*tch?

2) I'm annoying and irritating?

3) I make her angry all the time?

4) She can't stand me?

5) I loved her more than she ever loved me

I'm still searching for whys for 1 -4.. if you do know why.. please please please let me know.. 

I need to put and end to this.. and start moving off from here..

And the weird thing is.. I am so used to spending bad days alone.. 

Was it a picture I didn't see?

Of a distant memory

Captured in the reels of time

Hung upon, a worthless dime

It took three steps, or maybe four

Quietly, i heard myself fall

A  piercing pain choked through the veins

Blood can't flow through tatted heart. 

These beautiful knots, like butterflies

Of frivolous pleasures and the many lies

Snow capped mountains, in the far west.

two gowns, a ring, one flawless dream.

It'll be winter in the summer breeze

Showers of flowers and the nuptial wine.

A long checklist, nothing missed. 

All written yet in an invisible ink. 

I've locked this blog for far too long... with contents I never want to let anyone see.. Not even the closest one. It's too sad.. very sad.. and I wonder what have I done to deserve this? It's all deleted, all erased...  I've re-opened my blog once again.. But I wonder.. when will I ever open my heart once again.

Seems like I have disappeared for a long long time from this blog.. 

Anyway, I just came back from a well-deserved break from Perth.. and I grew another year older 3 days ago.. 

Loved Perth.. loved the holiday.. 

My bday's cursed though.. this year's no exception.. And as usual, the wish never came true.. Anyway.. I'm kinda very much used to it... though I am beginning to doubt my meaning of 'happiness'...

Still.. I am grateful for the love, the nice smses and well wishes of those who remembered. And of course Saphy and Sini for paying twice the amount of money to travel to Perth with Vel and myself.. 

Thanks.. 

I'll probably upload the pics and the updates on the Perth trip when I am less busy.. cos for now.. it's back to work once again.. =(

May the happy moments last forever.. =)

Rid myself of all past. And I see a much beautiful future with you. I really do. In which, I've become a much happier person.

I love you. And i sincerely mean it from the bottom of my heart.

=)

It's 2.02a.m. I am honestly very awake. 

On a side note.. I'm super duper motivated recently. I realized how foolish I was in uni when I thought that everyone else in class were so professional and good and that I was some lousy piece of sai not worthy to be a designer. It's only now.. that i finally know that being a designer isn't just about creating the most awesome and creative layout or designs. Simply just solve the client's problems. Good servicing, that's it. And everything is good to go. =)

Sometimes it gets so hectic, i go crazy. Sometimes it gets so tiring, I wish I can get some more rest. Sometimes I have to smile at some anal fucking idiots out there, I wish I could just punch that fella in the face. But at the end of the day, it feels good when the receiver welcomes the FAs with a nice big smile. =) I really love what I am doing. I love it when clients say that my work is fantastic. I love that self-confidence I see in myself. I think I've found my niche in this line. 

And I need to get my website up soonish. darn.

Continuation on my Aussie trip.. (which I'm taking like ages to complete..)

The biggest achievement of this trip, other than spending quality time with Dada, is... I got to catch up with many dearest ones. 

Most importantly, my sister whom I miss greatly. Although she was so busy at her cafe, she still took time out to spend some time with me. Not much.. but I really appreciate it. I was supposed to help her out at her cafe.. but end up spending most of my time everywhere else.. Haha.. feel pretty bad actually.. Love her to bits!

I was there timely for his graduation. Weird fella who wants to graduate from his Bachelor's when he's still doing his Honours. But still, I was glad I could be there. It feels so weird.. because just a decade ago, he was this young boy in his tight school shorts and 'durian' head. Now, a matured, fine young man in his graduation gown. It's so weird how much I detest him last time, yet now, he's the only guy i can hug forever without feeling weird. 

Oh.. and I called on Evelyn and Clement so that i could visit their newborn baby. Met up with Christine before taking a one hour train down to their house which was out in the suburbs. It was nice catching up so much with her!

Eve and Clem's precious one.. Baby Rachael. She's super cute la. So tiny! That's my hand above her head..

Taking a bath in winter is NEVER nice. And that usually cuts half my shower time. Faster in, faster out. Baby Rachael was so docile, she never made a single complain or frown a single bit.

She's the most manageable infant I've ever seen. According to Evelyn, she doesn't cry or make noisy baby noise most of the time. In terms of personality, I think that Baby Rachael resembles much of Clement. 

More pics of her.. Sorry.. but she's just too cute!

Right.. it's 4.31a.m. now.. I don't think I know what i am writing about now.. time to sleep.. till my next update... adios! 

Finally I am back to blogging. Because my dearest gf wakes up late on weekends and I finally don't have work to trouble over this weekend. 

We kick started the next morning hot... We woke up perspiring underneath the electro-heated blanket. But when I opened the bedroom door, the cold air that rushed into the room was enough to send all kinds of shiver into my skin and up every single bones in my body.  I quickly prepared the breakfast and lunch for the day before we headed back to the prom. 

And since we haven't noted any police petrols at the prom, I asked Dada to take over the wheel while i took the backseat for a while just to admire the beautiful scenery.

I told Dada to go slow. I see no point of driving at a such a high speed because I wanted a nice slow drive to enjoy the view around. Also, there were animals everywhere crossing the roads. And we were definitely not there for a hunting trip.

True enough, we spotted a wombat crossing the road! But before we could grab the camera, he scrambled into the bushes. =(

This place is so beautiful, I wouldn't mind coming here for a second time if ever I go back to Victoria again. 

Our first stop was squeaky beach, the most popular beach of the prom. Here, we were supposed to be able to walk around barefooted while hearing the sand make a squeaking sound beneath our soles. They are also known as the 'singing sand' because of the sound the pure white quartz sand produced while walking on it. 

On the way to the beach, we saw a wallaby! Dada's favourite aussie animal! =)

To our disappointment, the sands were not singing that day. It probably be due to the rain, thus the wet sand that cracked instead of squeak. 

Still, we made the best out of it! Camwhoring! =)

It's so nice winding down the window while driving. For one, it can reduce fogging on the windscreen. Also, the air that comes in is cool enough to provide free air-conditioning. You can even smell the freshness of the air. Something that i never want to do in Singapore.

There's so many other places to explore in the Prom. Sadly, we only gave ourselves 2 days for this trip. But of course, we had to choose the best. Next up was Whisky Beach.

We were there for the sand dunes and the scenery.

Love love love the formations of nature, and the greatness of the creator.

We brought along a friskbie as it was apparently cultural for the aussies to do such activities by the beaches and stuff. Especially so at Whisky beach, because of the lovely sand dunes that will give us a nice landing cushion if we decided to fly and fall. It's the annoying cold and wet weather that ruined our plans.. =(

Although Whisky Beach was our last intended stop, I wasn't pleased that we haven't found the Emu YET. And i've promised Dada that I will find and introduce to her ALL the animals I've been telling her about in Singapore.

I decided to drive around aimlessly and into the wilderness, off the main road track, At the same time, find a nice secluded spot to stop for lunch. Before we knew it, we found her tottering  happily in front of us! 

She looked like an ostrich from far. Up close, she's so much prettier!

Accomplishing our agenda, it was time for a 3 hours journey to Mount Dandenong. This was a bonus since we did not plan that for our journey. She is known for her beautiful eucalyptus forest and, wine yards and valleys. But I really wanted to bring Dada there for the loveliest beef pies, scones and devonshire teas.

The scones and beef pie is the bestest I've ever eaten. Unlike the usualy scones we eat in Singapore, the scones here are soft and fluffy that goes the best with strawberry jam and fresh clotted cream.  

Pie in the Sky is award winning for their beef pies. And I've never doubted it every since the first time I was there. Although there are many similar restaurants and cafes around, I would only go back to Pie in the Sky.

By the time we reached Melbourne, it was dusk.. and there was nowhere else to go for any sort of activities. So... it was time to head to the casino!

Was Dada's first time into the casino! Yea.. since she just turned 21 not long ago. =) We didn't gamble though.. because my luck suck every single time I'm at the casino. I am cursed! And I am a sore loser especially when it comes to losing MONEY! Haha.. So it was just a nice casual tour around the tables and jackpot machines, dinner, and loads of shopping since the mall at Crown don't close till late.

After Crown, I suddenly remembered that Dada hasn't seen the Possum yet! It's kinda funny because possums are almost everywhere in australia to the point that they're more like pests than anything else. They're like stray cats in Singapore. The only difference is that they don't walk aimlessly around the city. I quickly stopped my car by the side of a big park and it did not take us long before we found her. =)

Very much satisfied. Because I FINALLY found all the animals for Dada! =) And I love seeing that excited look on Dada's face. 

I wanna bring more excitements to your life.... where should we go next.. hmm..